and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
