that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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