I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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