i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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