just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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