Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
