I'm going to jail i love you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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