I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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