Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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