You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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