Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
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He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i think i just lost a toe
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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