Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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