im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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