The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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