I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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