I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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