Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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