saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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