Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram