im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I still have a little drunk in my system
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.