We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
