just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
