I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it because I queefed?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
