she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
