Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
