What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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