I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
