how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
