my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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