You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
