How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
