So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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