I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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