they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
