i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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