worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
