I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
