Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
