I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
