I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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