Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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