If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
