just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
