haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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