my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
