i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't turn off my feet"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
