It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
