OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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