i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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