Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
