Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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