insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
