I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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