I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
