I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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