Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
