Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
